Why Geese are Better than Swans (but not Smarter)

 

Canadian geese and swans mate for life. Both are part of the Anatidae family. As birds they are not very religious and so this might cause some people to scratch their collective heads in wonder -- certainly in California.

 
But I believe after some careful research that there was a period in their evolution, long before man kept records of such things outside of a few still undiscovered cave walls, where there were just too many geese divorce lawyers and the birds just had had enough. 

No goose would mate with another goose practicing law -- gander and goose alike -- and soon the subspecies, or gaggle, died out. The swans saw the geese euphoria and followed suit. In two generations both entire species were devoid of expensive family-law firms and there was no longer reason to be anything but monogamy once you found a mate. It ended up being much better for the goslings as well (geese are very fond of their offspring) and the practice just kept going on and becoming a more dominant genetic trait through the centuries. 

I like to think that I am in a goose relationship. I don't say a swan relationship. Swans, as everyone knows, are very good looking. They are the Tolkien elves in Lord of the Rings where a Canadian goose is just the lower breed of Man in the same saga (they do dress up nice.) So yes, I do feel some identification. But as anyone who has ever been to Disneyland knows, swans don't do much adventuring. Put them in a pond and you are likely to have swans for the rest of your days sitting there and looking good.

Geese on the other hand are natural explorers. They migrate thousands of miles for the fun of it. They also don't give up. Here is a YouTube example of a goose vs. bald eagle. Yes, I identify with geese and feel my marriage is more reflective of their relationships and their mating bond.
It was with that in mind that I sold my California house on the cliffs of the Pacific Ocean and bought a new home with my goose partner close to Dallas TX. On the way driving two days to the new home from the Pacific Coast I made a crucial mistake.

I sent a text to another goose friend who owns a landscaping company and asked for help with updating the outside yards. My wife warned me prior that he has a very big personality and might be a bit hard to manage at times. I explained that with almost 20 years as a founder and CEO managing an aggressive board, venture capitalists, too-big-to-fail bank CXO's, and my own executive staff and employees, I certainly have the skills to manage a local landscape business owner and good friend.

We met the day after finally getting to our new home and walked around the house pointing at areas that could use some help. I gave him a reasonable budget and shook hands. His last words that day were, "I got it."

The next morning while my wife was basking in her new home with a cup of coffee (instant as the Russian mafia movers were weeks away) and in her bathrobe we heard a noise. I look out and there are thirty men, shovels in hand, in the front yard and a tractor that has already taken out the front lawn. I looked at my life-exploring-forever-love partner in shock looking for some support. She didn't say anything. She just looked at me with a "I told you so" look, her jaw set, and a small tear in her eye. She turned around and got dressed for work.

The demolition was fast and efficient. They dropped off a professional dumpster the size of a semi trailer and it was full in two days. Within five days the entire house was sitting on top of the Mojave desert. There was no deck. There were no trees in the front. There was no longer an irrigation system. There was only dirt.

She was visibly upset. I reassured her with a husband's quick go to, "Honey, honey, I got this." A day later I was talked into removing the driveway. It was gone before she got home. She walked across this barren wasteland in her little yoga outfit and I opened the front door smiling with a nice dinner on the stove cooking.

As bald eagles (see video) and farm owners know, although geese mate for life in a Shakespearian loving bond they can get a bit cranky from time to time. That zoological fact is more true when you mess with their nest. In fact I bet there is a Gander Lodge #510 out there on a lake someplace along a migration route somewhere. The male geese who are all mated for life are ordering another bud light are slapping their foreheads with their wings, and lowering their heads after listening to a similar story from a goose. 

The goose is honking over his bud light, "Why, oh why, did I want to re-landscape a new nest? What was I thinking?" 

The other older ganders just shake their long necks and small heads thinking while politely not honking, 

"Because you're an idiot."

Dain

"God is a comedian in front of an audience too scared to laugh." -- Voltaire